There are seven new coaches who will be making their debuts with their new teams on Sunday. Some of them are with new teams while some of them will be making their head coaching debuts altogether. It was an eventful offseason, in case you forgot, here's a rundown of coaches who will be wearing new vests/sweaters/hoodies this week.
Rex Ryan (Buffalo) - Rex needs to get fat again. When he was tanked up, he was all like "WOOOO LET'S GO SLAPPIES EAT SOME 'ZA AND BANG BRADY'S WIFE". Now, he's coaching Buffalo.
Dan Quinn (Atlanta) - Quinn will be an immediate upgrade for Atlanta because of the poor record Mike Smith accumulated over the last two years. I bet Gus Bradley is SMH that he took the Jacksonville job instead of waiting for an opportunity like this. Still, I predict Quinn is fired within two seasons of 8-8 football.
John Fox (Chicago) - Every gas station within a five mile radius of Soldier Field better make sure they have plenty of gum on stock. Fox's record has been generally good but that's not stopping Bears fans from giving him the Joe Flacco treatment. Who cares who coaches Chicago, it could be Vince Lombardi, and they'd still want this guy back.
Todd Bowles (New York J-E-T-S) - Up-and-comer coordinator gets hired by a terrible football organization. We all know how this turns out.
Jack Del Rio (Oakland) - Hopefully Jack enjoys the last 21 games of his coaching career before he's replaced with some hot shot co-ordinator who's career ends as soon as he ends up in Los Angeles. Oh ya, they replaced a coach who buried a football with a guy who puts axes in the locker room. Classic Raiders, classic.
Jim Tomsula (San Francisco) - mmmphmphphmph.
Gary Kubiak (Denver) - What are you doing BoJack Horseman? Kubiak is replacing a coach who won four division titles in four years. His quarterback, who is the difference between a playoff spot and a top-5 pick, has body parts comprised of tic-tacs. Enjoy the rebuild Denver. Maybe you can hire Todd Bowles in 2018.
September 12, 2015
September 10, 2015
It Begins
Well, after months of takes about the same things over and over again, we're here: day one of the National Football League season.
To start things off we got two of the most insufferable fanbases in a league full of them. BAWSTIN against the Stillers.
Patriot fans I imagine as either Tawmmy from Quinzee or this guy. Or the third group: a shameful set of fans who own Tom Brady jerseys that will just start cheering for the flavor of the month in five years when Josh McDaniels and Jimmy Rigatoni lead the Pats to a 4-12 record.
It's really unfortunate that Rob Gronkowski plays for that team. Anywhere else and he'd be universally loved. He's the athlete we deserve. I mean, what other active pro sports player would show up in a god damn movie and do this? Instead, he plays for this bunch. Gronk deserves better.
If you are going out to watch the game tomorrow, make sure you avoid any Steeler bars. Their fans will yap your ear off about how their team would never cheat like New England, all the while ripping up court summons, eating salad with french fries as croutons, and cheering on Ben Roethlisberger.
Ya, that guy. How fortunate he is that Roger F. Goodell just decided to start getting tough on crime. Five years ago, getting caught smoking weed was worse than a rape allegation. Oh, well, never mind.
Hey, put your nose back down Pats fans. Your quarterback is lucky he went against the worst commissioner of all-time that public opinion sort of swayed in your favor. Your team is a bunch of cheaters and I hope your sports teams go back to being miserable. New England could go 15-1 and everyone in that god-forsaken area would say "BUT THE SAWKS MISSED THE PLAYAFFS WE-AH CURSED."
For everyone else, it will be great to see one of these teams start 0-1. If New England loses, everyone in Hyde Park will be yelling "ROGAH HAD THE FIX IN" while reeking of Sam Adams the next day.
Meanwhile, if Pittsburgh loses, ever STILLER fan wearing mustard-stained Jerome Bettis jerseys will want human-sized jaw bone Bill Cowher back to replace Willie Mays Hayes from Major League II. So many fanbases would like Mike Tomlin as their head coach and he gets stuck with these french fry snorters.
For the rest of us, football's back! Sit back, enjoy the start of the show, and don't get too shattered when your first round pick Antonio Brown starts making you regret the pick already.
To start things off we got two of the most insufferable fanbases in a league full of them. BAWSTIN against the Stillers.
Patriot fans I imagine as either Tawmmy from Quinzee or this guy. Or the third group: a shameful set of fans who own Tom Brady jerseys that will just start cheering for the flavor of the month in five years when Josh McDaniels and Jimmy Rigatoni lead the Pats to a 4-12 record.
It's really unfortunate that Rob Gronkowski plays for that team. Anywhere else and he'd be universally loved. He's the athlete we deserve. I mean, what other active pro sports player would show up in a god damn movie and do this? Instead, he plays for this bunch. Gronk deserves better.
If you are going out to watch the game tomorrow, make sure you avoid any Steeler bars. Their fans will yap your ear off about how their team would never cheat like New England, all the while ripping up court summons, eating salad with french fries as croutons, and cheering on Ben Roethlisberger.
Ya, that guy. How fortunate he is that Roger F. Goodell just decided to start getting tough on crime. Five years ago, getting caught smoking weed was worse than a rape allegation. Oh, well, never mind.
Hey, put your nose back down Pats fans. Your quarterback is lucky he went against the worst commissioner of all-time that public opinion sort of swayed in your favor. Your team is a bunch of cheaters and I hope your sports teams go back to being miserable. New England could go 15-1 and everyone in that god-forsaken area would say "BUT THE SAWKS MISSED THE PLAYAFFS WE-AH CURSED."
For everyone else, it will be great to see one of these teams start 0-1. If New England loses, everyone in Hyde Park will be yelling "ROGAH HAD THE FIX IN" while reeking of Sam Adams the next day.
Meanwhile, if Pittsburgh loses, ever STILLER fan wearing mustard-stained Jerome Bettis jerseys will want human-sized jaw bone Bill Cowher back to replace Willie Mays Hayes from Major League II. So many fanbases would like Mike Tomlin as their head coach and he gets stuck with these french fry snorters.
For the rest of us, football's back! Sit back, enjoy the start of the show, and don't get too shattered when your first round pick Antonio Brown starts making you regret the pick already.
September 09, 2015
Joseph Addai Was The Worst
I have just returned from a fantasy football draft full of wings and
beer and a roster that will hopefully win me an envelope full of cash
and bragging rights at the end of the year.
I generally consider myself a good fantasy owner. I don't overdue it. I'm in two leagues, one of which I won last year and the other where my team reached the semi-final before bowing out despite picking Montee Ball in the first round. Ball is one of the few failed picks I will carry with me into fantasy drafts for several years. He's stapled into my memory like one festering sore on my roster years ago: Joseph Kwahu Duah Addai Jr.
Heading into the 2008 season, Addai was coming off a 12 touchdown sophomore season with the Indianapolis Colts in his first full year as the team's starting running back. ESPN ranked him seventh among all players for that season and as they put, "A high-octane offense and a rugged touchdown-maker? That's fantasy gold." Along those lines, I was delighted when Addai tumbled into my turn at the bottom of the first round.
Addai's 2008 season amounts to the fantasy version of a war crime. He cracked 100 yards once, in Week 10 against Houston. He also scored two touchdowns that game, one of the two times he did that on the season. By the end of the season, he fell into a timeshare with Dominic Rhodes and didn't play during the playoff weeks.
According to ProFootballReference, Addai ranked 38th among all running backs in fantasy that year, behind guys like Jerious Norwood, Chester Taylor, and Melwelde Moore - your typical third string running backs in Madden 06.
Here's some other guys that may have screwed you in fantasy over the years:
Sean Alexander in 2006 - Over 1800 yards and 27 (27!) touchdowns in '05. Then, he couldn't even touch those numbers in his next three seasons combined. All-Pro guard Steve Hutchison left for Minnesota, Alexander broke his foot in Week 3, and whoever picked Alexander #1 in this year basically got boned by barbed wire.
Kurt Warner in 2002 - The now-annoying analyst on the NFL Network was the top dog at quarterback in 2002 after coming off a terrific season leading the Rams the year before - Warner was a top-8 pick in most draft that year. How did he reward owners ballsy enough to go QB in round 1? Three touchdowns and 11 interceptions in just seven games. Chris Chandler and Larry Centers had better fantasy years.
Montee Ball in 2014 - Fug me. This must be what Ryan Grigson feels like.
I generally consider myself a good fantasy owner. I don't overdue it. I'm in two leagues, one of which I won last year and the other where my team reached the semi-final before bowing out despite picking Montee Ball in the first round. Ball is one of the few failed picks I will carry with me into fantasy drafts for several years. He's stapled into my memory like one festering sore on my roster years ago: Joseph Kwahu Duah Addai Jr.
Heading into the 2008 season, Addai was coming off a 12 touchdown sophomore season with the Indianapolis Colts in his first full year as the team's starting running back. ESPN ranked him seventh among all players for that season and as they put, "A high-octane offense and a rugged touchdown-maker? That's fantasy gold." Along those lines, I was delighted when Addai tumbled into my turn at the bottom of the first round.
Addai's 2008 season amounts to the fantasy version of a war crime. He cracked 100 yards once, in Week 10 against Houston. He also scored two touchdowns that game, one of the two times he did that on the season. By the end of the season, he fell into a timeshare with Dominic Rhodes and didn't play during the playoff weeks.
According to ProFootballReference, Addai ranked 38th among all running backs in fantasy that year, behind guys like Jerious Norwood, Chester Taylor, and Melwelde Moore - your typical third string running backs in Madden 06.
Here's some other guys that may have screwed you in fantasy over the years:
Sean Alexander in 2006 - Over 1800 yards and 27 (27!) touchdowns in '05. Then, he couldn't even touch those numbers in his next three seasons combined. All-Pro guard Steve Hutchison left for Minnesota, Alexander broke his foot in Week 3, and whoever picked Alexander #1 in this year basically got boned by barbed wire.
Kurt Warner in 2002 - The now-annoying analyst on the NFL Network was the top dog at quarterback in 2002 after coming off a terrific season leading the Rams the year before - Warner was a top-8 pick in most draft that year. How did he reward owners ballsy enough to go QB in round 1? Three touchdowns and 11 interceptions in just seven games. Chris Chandler and Larry Centers had better fantasy years.
Montee Ball in 2014 - Fug me. This must be what Ryan Grigson feels like.
Welcome
Yeah, the layout is brutal for now but we'll work on that later. Welcome to our little corner of the internet, where we are going to complain, cheer, and love/hate on the National Football League. We hope you stick around for the ride through the 2015 season and join us in talking all kinds of stuff about the most entertaining league on Earth.
Oh, and screw the Saints.
Oh, and screw the Saints.
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