It Begins

Well, after months of takes about the same things over and over again, we're here: day one of the National Football League season.

To start things off we got two of the most insufferable fanbases in a league full of them. BAWSTIN against the Stillers.

Patriot fans I imagine as either Tawmmy from Quinzee or this guy. Or the third group: a shameful set of fans who own Tom Brady jerseys that will just start cheering for the flavor of the month in five years when Josh McDaniels and Jimmy Rigatoni lead the Pats to a 4-12 record.

It's really unfortunate that Rob Gronkowski plays for that team. Anywhere else and he'd be universally loved. He's the athlete we deserve. I mean, what other active pro sports player would show up in a god damn movie and do this? Instead, he plays for this bunch. Gronk deserves better.

If you are going out to watch the game tomorrow, make sure you avoid any Steeler bars. Their fans will yap your ear off about how their team would never cheat like New England, all the while ripping up court summons, eating salad with french fries as croutons, and cheering on Ben Roethlisberger.

Ya, that guy. How fortunate he is that Roger F. Goodell just decided to start getting tough on crime. Five years ago, getting caught smoking weed was worse than a rape allegation. Oh, well, never mind.   

Hey, put your nose back down Pats fans. Your quarterback is lucky he went against the worst commissioner of all-time that public opinion sort of swayed in your favor. Your team is a bunch of cheaters and I hope your sports teams go back to being miserable. New England could go 15-1 and everyone in that god-forsaken area would say "BUT THE SAWKS MISSED THE PLAYAFFS WE-AH CURSED."

For everyone else, it will be great to see one of these teams start 0-1. If New England loses, everyone in Hyde Park will be yelling "ROGAH HAD THE FIX IN" while reeking of Sam Adams the next day.

Meanwhile, if Pittsburgh loses, ever STILLER fan wearing mustard-stained Jerome Bettis jerseys will want human-sized jaw bone Bill Cowher back to replace Willie Mays Hayes from Major League II. So many fanbases would like Mike Tomlin as their head coach and he gets stuck with these french fry snorters.

For the rest of us, football's back! Sit back, enjoy the start of the show, and don't get too shattered when your first round pick Antonio Brown starts making you regret the pick already.